There’s a moment I see often in my therapy sessions with neurodivergent clients.

It doesn’t look dramatic from the outside.

The person sitting across from me is successful, articulate, thoughtful. They’ve built a life that, by most standards, works.

Underneath that…their old tricks aren’t working anymore.

They’re exhausted.

Disconnected.

Sometimes quietly unraveling.

At some point, we land on this word:Camouflaging.

What is camouflaging, really?

Camouflaging refers to the conscious or unconscious strategies used to hide or compensate for autistic behaviors or ADHD traits in social settings. It’s not just “trying to fit in.” It’s often much more complex, and very costly.

Camouflaging can look like:

• Studying how other people interact, and copying it
• Rehearsing imagined conversations in advance (an every possible way the conversation could go)
• Forcing eye contact even when it’s uncomfortable
• Suppressing stims or hiding sensory needs
• Monitoring tone, facial expressions, body language constantly
• Filtering your natural responses into something more “acceptable”

Over time, it can become so automatic that you don’t even realize you’re doing it.

The three layers of camouflaging

A helpful framework (Hull et al., 2019) breaks camouflaging into three components: compensation, masking, and assimilation.

Compensation is the effort.

It’s the behind-the-scenes work: studying, scripting, analyzing.

It’s the part of you that says, “I don’t intuitively get this, so I’ll practice it.”

Masking is the suppression.

It’s hiding what’s natural…your sensory needs, your rhythms, your reactions.

It’s the part that says, “Don’t let them see that.”

Assimilation is the blending.

It’s adjusting yourself to match the environment so you don’t stand out.

It’s the part that says, “Be like them.”

Most of the people I work with aren’t doing just one of these. They’re doing all three.

Simultaneously.

All day.

Sometimes just at work. Sometimes it’s at home too – if they live in an environment that doesn’t support or respect their needs. 

Why camouflaging works…until it doesn’t

Here’s the complicated truth: Camouflaging works.

It helps people succeed in school.

Build careers.

Maintain relationships.

Get promotions.

Navigate environments that were never designed with neurodivergence in mind.

For many high-achieving adults, camouflaging is part of how they got where they are.

And because it works, it’s rarely questioned.

Until the cost catches up.

The hidden cost

Camouflaging is laborious. 

Not in a “I’m tired after a long day” kind of way.

In a nervous system-level, sustained, chronic effort kind of way.

Over time, this can show up as:

• Burnout that doesn’t resolve with rest
• A sense of not knowing who you actually are
• Identity erasure
• Anxiety in social or work environments (even when you’re “good” at them)
• Emotional shutdown or overwhelm
• Increased sensitivity to sensory input
• Difficulty accessing internal states (interoception)
• A quiet, persistent feeling of“something is wrong with me”

For some, it also looks like success on paper… and collapse behind the scenes.

“I don’t even know who I am anymore”

This is one of the most common, and most painful, statements that I hear.

When camouflaging has been in place for years (often decades), it can blur the line between:

• what’s authentic
• what’s adaptive
• and what’s protective

You might find yourself asking:

• Do I actually like this, or did I learn to like it?
• Is this how I communicate, or is this what I’ve practiced?
• What would I be like if I didn’t have to try this hard?

These are not small questions.

They’re identity-level questions.

The goal isn’t to “stop masking”

This is where I want to be really clear.

The goal is not to suddenly drop all forms of camouflaging and exist in a world that may not always feel safe or accommodating.

The drive is there…to be your 100% authentic self at all times. Now that you know the truth about how your brain works. 

Camouflaging developed for a reason.

It’s intelligent.

It’s protective.

Instead, the work often looks like:

Becoming aware of when you’re camouflaging

Noticing the shifts (when you’re performing versus when you’re at ease)

Understanding the cost

What does it take from you to show up this way?

Creating spaces where you don’t have to do it

Even small pockets of authenticity matter

Expanding choice

So camouflaging becomes something you can do, not something you have to do

A different kind of “holding it together”

A lot of the people I work with are incredibly good at holding it together.

Camouflaging is often part of that.

But there comes a point where “holding it together” starts to feel like holding yourself back.

Or holding yourself in place.

Or holding yourself together at the expense of yourself.

And that’s usually where the work begins.

Not with tearing everything down…but with gently, carefully asking:

What would it feel like to need less effort to be you?

If this resonates, you don’t have to figure it out by yourself.

I offer neurodiversity-affirming therapy for adults navigating burnout, identity, and the cost of “holding it together.” Reach out to ask me any questions you have, or book a free call with me below. 👇