Lately, I’ve been thinking quite a bit about friendship. I know how to make friends, but in true AuDHD fashion, I am still learning how to keep them. 

I have never been interested in surface-level relationships. I don’t want hundreds of acquaintances or conversations that never go anywhere.

I love the kinds of friendships where you can exhale. Where you don’t have to constantly wonder how you’re coming across or whether you’re saying the “right” thing. I want friendships where I can be fully myself.

But I’ve noticed something interesting. The closer someone gets to really knowing me, the more complicated things can feel. As I’ve been sitting with this personally, I’ve also been hearing remarkably similar experiences from many of my AuDHD clients.

Over and over, I hear some version of:

“I want close friendships.”

“I wish people really knew me.”

“I feel lonely.”

And then, almost in the same breath:

“But what if they don’t like what they find?”

That’s the paradox.

The Desire to Be Known

I think many autistic and AuDHD adults spend years feeling misunderstood. People may know our interests, our careers, our accomplishments, some parts of our personalities.

But being understood feels different than simply being known about. There is often this deep longing for someone to finally “get it.” To understand why certain things overwhelm us. Why we disappear for a while. Why texts sometimes go unanswered. Why plans get cancelled. Why we’re quiet one day and overflowing with conversation the next.

Why friendship can feel effortless one week and impossibly difficult the next. We don’t necessarily want people to excuse us. We want them to understand us.

Then Something Unexpected Happens

Ironically, when someone actually starts getting close, when they begin seeing beneath the mask, or they become emotionally important, many people also notice fear. 

Because now, there’s something to lose. Suddenly the parts we’ve carefully managed start becoming visible.

Maybe they’ll notice how exhausted we are, or realize how much we overthink every interaction. Maybe they’ll see the sensory overwhelm, the shutdowns, the inconsistencies, or the moments we pull away.

Maybe they’ll see the struggles we’re afraid make us “too much.” Or maybe they’ll simply see that we don’t have it together as much as we appear to.

“Will They Stay?”

I’ve realized this question often sits quietly underneath many conversations about friendship.

If they really knew me…would they still stick around?

I’ve started wondering whether this is one reason vulnerability can feel so difficult. Once someone truly sees us, they also gain the ability to reject the version of ourselves we’ve worked so hard to protect. That’s a vulnerable place to be.

Especially if you’ve spent years feeling misunderstood, criticized, or like you were somehow “too much” or “not enough.”

Acceptance Matters More Than Understanding

One realization I’ve come to recently is that maybe what many of us are actually searching for isn’t perfect understanding…it’s acceptance.

Someone doesn’t have to fully understand why our nervous system works the way it does. They don’t have to experience the world exactly as we do.

But when they respond with curiosity, patience, and connection instead of judgment, criticism, or rejection…something in the nervous system softens. We no longer feel like we have to earn belonging.

Maybe This Is (One of the Reasons) Why Friendship Feels So Hard

Friendship isn’t just about finding people we enjoy. For many AuDHD adults and teens, it’s about deciding whether it’s safe to let someone know us. Really know us. The actual version, rather than the polished, productive, masked version.

That can feel terrifying. Because underneath the desire for closeness lives the question:

If you knew all of me…would you still choose me?

I’m Curious…

If you’re autistic or AuDHD, does this resonate?

Have you ever found yourself longing for deeper friendships while simultaneously feeling afraid of what might happen if someone actually got close?

I don’t think I’ve completely figured this out yet. But the more conversations I have with clients, colleagues, and within myself, the more convinced I become that this tension is far more common than many of us realize.

Maybe the friendships we’re looking for aren’t built by hiding the parts we’re afraid of, but by discovering that the right people don’t leave when they finally see them.