As I’m currently writing this, we have approached the last week of school. For a lot of families, this time of year brings excitement, anticipation, and plans for summer adventures. But if you’re a neurodivergent parent, and/or raising neurodivergent kids, you may also notice some anxiety, some overwhelm, and some time wondering how you’re going to navigate the unforgiving shift from the structure of the school year, to the unpredictable, chaotic rhythm of summer.

As an AuDHD therapist and a parent, I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Because here’s the thing…I genuinely LOVE summertime. My mood improves, and so does my energy. I spend more time outside, and overall feel more playful, and open. I look forward to beach days, vacations, family adventures, evening walks, and slower nights sitting outside after the kids go to bed.

Every year, by the time winter starts dragging on, I’m counting down the days until summer comes back. And yet, as much as I love summer, it comes with an unspoken expectation that we should be doing more.

For instance, more parties, cookouts, socializing. Basically, more saying “yes” to things. I’ve noticed this theme come up not just in my own life, but in conversations with many of my clients as well. We genuinely want the connection and the memories. We actually enjoy the activities themselves, but, that doesn’t mean they’re effortless.

Loving Something Doesn’t Mean It Doesn’t Drain You

One of the things I wish more people understood about AuDHD nervous systems is that enjoyment and exhaustion can exist simultaneously. I can have a wonderful day at the beach with my family and still feel completely wiped out afterward. I can enjoy a family cookout and still need lots of quiet time when I get home. I can look forward to a vacation for months and still feel overwhelmed by the disruption to my routines.

For a long time, I thought these experiences meant something was wrong with me. Shouldn’t fun feel easy?

What I’ve learned over the years, especially n my parenting years, is that enjoyable experiences still require an excess of energy. And for many other autistic and ADHD adults, summer activities involve a combination of sensory input, social demands, transitions, unpredictability, and changes in routine. Even positive experiences demand something of our nervous systems. That doesn’t make them “bad.” But it does mean that they come with a cost.

When Everyone’s Routine Changes at Once

One thing I’ve noticed as a parent is that summer isn’t just a transition for kids, but for everyone. The routines that have held your family together for the past ten months are gone. School drop-offs, bus schedules, after-school activities, homework routines, and predictable weekday rhythms all shift at once.

For some children, that feels exciting, but for others, it can feel quite dysregulating. Parents then find themselves absorbing the impact of that transition, while trying to manage  their own.

If you’re noticing more meltdowns, irritability, exhaustion, more sibling conflict, or more emotional ups and downs during the first few weeks of summer, it may mean that everyone’s nervous system is adjusting rather than something has gone drastically wrong all of a sudden.

Sometimes the most supportive thing we can do is resist the pressure to fill every day with activities, and instead, allow space for the transition to happen.

The Social Expectations Are Harder Than the Event Itself

Most of the time, the hardest part isn’t the actual gathering, but rather the expectations surrounding it. The assumption that because the weather is nice, everyone should want to be out doing things all the time. There’s pressure to attend every single thing we’re invited to, and also pressure to explain yourself for declining an invitation.

You might be receiving the message in multiple subtle ways that if you’re not constantly socializing, you’re somehow missing out. (Or maybe you’re unnecessarily  putting to at pressure on yourself). 

As I’ve gotten older, and more confident in my parenting, I’ve become much more aware of how quickly these social expectations can pull me away from what I actually need. Sometimes what I need actually is connection. But what I also need is a quiet evening on my porch swing watching the dogs run around the yard.

Vacations Can Be Both Wonderful and Overwhelming

I think vacations are another area where neurodivergent experiences often get misunderstood. I love traveling with my family, exploring new places. I love making new memories with my girls. But, vacations also mean unfamiliar environments, different beds, different foods, changes in routine, increased decision-making, more time around people, more meltdowns, and fewer opportunities to recharge in the ways that normally work.

When you’re a parent, vacations aren’t always as relaxing as social media makes them appear. You’re still managing schedules, big feelings, sensory needs, sibling dynamics, packing checklists, and the logistics of getting everyone where they need to be. 

I’ve learned that the most successful vacations aren’t the ones where we pack every minute with activities. They’re the ones where we intentionally leave room to breathe. Space for slow mornings, afternoon with no plans, a little downtime between adventures. Maybe just one activity a day. Maybe none. Maybe being somewhere different might be enough novelty to feel restored. 

Give Yourself Permission to Enjoy Summer Differently

One of the most freeing realizations I’ve had is that there isn’t one right way to experience summer. You don’t have to attend every event. And as for the ones you do decide to go to…you don’t have to stay until the end. You can leave early. You also don’t have to force yourself through sensory overload because everyone else seems fine.

You don’t have to choose between making memories and taking care of yourself. You can take breaks, sit in the shade, wear headphones and just sit back and observe. You can skip the crowded event and go for a walk instead. 

You can decline the invitation. You can build recovery time into your schedule. You can love people deeply, and still need space from them. In fact, many high-performing adults spend so much of our lives showing up for everyone else that we forget we’re allowed to consider our own needs, too.

A Final Thought

Remember that through this unpredictable season, you’re probably carrying more than most people realize. You don’t need to suddenly become more social just because it’s summertime. You may need to give yourself permission to experience summer in a way that works for your nervous system, and your family.

For me, the goal isn’t to squeeze every possible activity into these few warm months. The goal is to actually enjoy them. And I’ve found that I enjoy summer a lot more when I stop trying to experience it the way everyone else thinks I should.